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“I’ll be happy when…” Fill in the blank.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking this? “I’ll be happy when I get a new job…” “I’ll be happy when I get my bonus in December…” “I’ll be happy when the kids make it through puberty…” or (my personal favorite) “I’ll be happy when I become a published author.”

In all of these statements, happiness is a future goal, something that will be achieved someday. None of these statements speak of being happy today.

As the old saying goes, life is what happens when you’re making other plans. In essence, waiting and hoping for happiness to occur seems foolhardy, yet many (including me) are guilty of this habit.

In the movie Forrest Gump, Forrest’s mother says, “Stupid is as stupid does.” How about we change that statement to “Happy is as happy does”?

How can a person be happy right now?

~ Derive pleasure from the present. Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Make it a challenge to see how you can go about enjoying the day. See if you can enjoy one experience today, two experiences tomorrow, three the next day. How soon can you make it through an ordinary day experiencing nothing but happiness?

~Stop wishing your life away. You have the power to stop yourself from placing happiness in the future. Find a way to see the good in the day. Remind yourself of the day’s blessings…

~ Count your blessings. What went right today? Did you laugh? Did you feel generally good? Teach yourself to see the blessing of life as it is right now. Reflecting on the day’s events with an eye toward relishing the experience will help you frame the day in a positive light.

~ Understand the nature of escalating expectations. Think back to when you made less money. You probably thought to yourself, “I’ll be happy when I make more money.” Well, now you do. Are you any happier? Human beings are psychologically vulnerable to a sense of stasis. When you reach a specific level of comfort, you quickly become accustomed to your surroundings, which lead us to setting our goals, expectations, and desires ever higher. We cease to be thankful for what we have right now, and dissatisfaction enters our lives because we don’t have what we want (not realizing that we’re likely never to see and end of wanting more).

~ Find your rewards in the moment. We live in a society that teaches us to want more. It’s the American dream. Work hard and you’ll have a life filled with wonderful things, but, as mentioned before, falling into the habit of always wanting more leads to frustration and unhappiness. To escape this self-defeating cycle, you must nurture your ability to find rewards in the events of each moment. See the trappings of society as just that: traps. Not only are the things of life trapping your money and hard work, they are also trapping your happiness.

~ See happiness as a way to live not a destination. The old adage is that life is a journey not a destination. Tweaked just a bit, the statement is just as true. Happiness is not some distant destination. We’ve already seen how achieving a specific state often leads to our wanting more, so living miserably with the hopes of finally reaching that happy moment is a waste of life, time, and an opportunity to be happy. Try, instead, to see that happiness is attainable now, that it is a way of living life, a way of being rather than a thing to be achieved in the future.

I need not remind everyone that none of this is easy. To live life this way requires people to discipline their minds to think differently. Breaking old habits requires concentrated effort, but, remember, you’re working to live happy today. The only things you have to lose are the habits that make you miserable.

Live Large!

Photo by: laurenatclemson

Live-Large is focused on providing practical advice on how readers can live larger, more fulfilling, centered lives. Happiness is central to this purpose. To that end, Live-Large will review books and articles that discuss happiness research and practical advice on the subject.

The first in this series is a summary of The Psychology of Happiness: A Brief Version of the Fourteen Fundamentals by Dr. Michael W. Fordyce.

Dr. Fordyce offers readers a concise summary of fourteen fundamentals of leading a happy life. These fundamentals were developed from years of Dr. Fordyce’s research on happiness.

First, Fordyce confirms what all of us suspect: Happiness is a slippery concept, one that many people struggle to comprehend and often believe is a condition that can not be intentionally created but only experienced. Fordyce goes on to say that while happiness is of great importance to most people, the actual dynamics of happiness is, “the most un-understood phenomenon in the world!”(pg. 4.).

Fordyce goes on to identify the common definition of happiness as being, “a longer-term sense of emotional well-being and contentment, a general ‘feeling’ that one is happy”(pg. 5); he goes on to clarify that happiness is not things-being in a better job, having more money, owning a big home. Rather, happiness is an emotion, a perception.

As emotions and perceptions can be changed by conscious effort, there are aspects of happiness that, given the appropriate focus, can be positively affected by the individual.

Dr. Fordyce labels these aspects of happiness as the fourteen fundamentals.

The fundamentals are:

~Be more active and keep busy. Happy people invest in life. High levels of activity are a characteristic of happy people.

~Spend more time socializing. A rewarding social life is an essential element of a happy life. Conversely, social isolation is a potent cause of depression. Happy people invest energy in spending quality time with other people.

~Be productive at meaningful work. Meaningful work, pastimes, and relationships are relative to the individual, but happy people are more often engaged in activities that they find meaningful. Being productive connects the characteristic of remaining active and busy to this sense of meaningfulness.

~Get better organized and plan things out. Building off of 1 & 3, happy people organize their lives and plan their day so that they accomplish one or two important tasks each day.

~Stop worrying. Fordyce states very bluntly that, “Worry is the ‘arch-enemy’ of personal happiness”(p. 13). Worrying is unpleasant, unproductive (as most worries never materialize), and ineffective (worrying won’t stop most negative experiences from happening). Seen from this perspective, worrying is simply not worth the energy put into it.

~Lower your expectations and aspirations. (I personally struggle with this fundamental) Fordyce posits that a person who expects too much from life will consistently be disappointed. Rather than wishing for a life that may never come about, happy people set achievable goals and are often rewarded by their successes. Lofty goals often place happiness in the future rather than being a state that is attainable right now. (Something I wholeheartedly agree with.)

~Develop positive, optimistic thinking. Happy people are preoccupied with pleasant thoughts. Fordyce asserts that all people have the ability to check negative thoughts and replace negativity with positive, pleasant thoughts. This takes concerted effort. It requires a frequent mental check where people scan their thoughts and moods and ruthlessly root out negativity when they become aware of its presence.

~Get present-oriented. Happy people live in the moment, focus their energies on today. Stewing over past hurts, daydreaming about future wants, or living in dread of what might happen puts a person’s mind outside of the life at hand. Happy people give their attention to being happy NOW.

~Work on a healthy personality. Fordyce identifies four areas that people can actively develop within themselves to have a healthy personality: 1) like yourself, 2) accept yourself, 3) know yourself, and 4) help yourself (pg. 17). In essence, happy people accept their flaws and live as they wish to live, which attracts people who want to be around them for who they are.

~Develop an outgoing, social personality. This is something I personally struggle with because I am not an overly sociable person. I have a small group of close friends, and I find most of my enjoyment from my immediate family; however, research shows that happy people extend themselves in meeting new people, in spending time with people that they enjoy, and in focusing on being sociable.

~Be yourself. Related to accepting yourself and liking yourself, this concept asserts that happy people do not disguise who they are or what they’re like. They know that not everyone is going to like them, but, for those who do, they know what they’re attracting people who like them for who they are.

~Eliminate negative feelings and problems. Happy people find ways of coping with difficult experiences. They don’t internalize their emotions. They find ways of getting rid of tension and feelings of discomfort or unhappiness. Internalizing emotions leads only intensifies problems. Happy people are better at moving beyond negativity.

~Develop close relationships (as they are the #1 source of happiness). The most significant determinate of whether a person is happy or not lies in whether they are in a close romantic relationship.

~Value happiness. This may sound unusual, but happy people value happiness. They think about how happy they are and work on becoming more happy. Fordyce states that most people do not actively contemplate their own happiness. Most people see happiness as matter of luck or happenstance. Happy people, on the other hand, pursue happiness with vigor.

According to Dr. Fordyce, people who actively work at developing their ability to incorporate the fourteen fundamentals into their lives will become happier. Some fundamentals may produce greater results, depending upon the individual, but working to develop a focus on these fundamentals will have the result of improving people’s overall perception of happiness.

In the weeks to come, Live-Large will feature focused discussions of the fourteen fundamentals in a conversation surrounding happiness. In the mean time, the full text of The Psychology of Happiness can be found at www.gethappy.net

Reference:

The Psychology of Happiness: A Brief Version of the Fourteen Fundamentals Dr. Michael W. Fordyce found at http://www.gethappy.net

Photo by: Tony the Misfit

A friend of mine once said, “I am a good listener because I know I am a bad listener.” Seems like a paradoxical statement.

Most folks don’t give listening a second thought, unless it’s part of their occupation (such as counselors), but it is most definitely an aspect of living large.

Actively listening requires that a person live in the moment. It is giving to another fully; it is participating in a relationship. It is also very hard to do.

When was the last time you fully tuned into what another person was saying to you?

Don’t answer just yet. Let’s look at what it means to fully listen.

To fully listen, you must…

~Look at the person who is talking

~Not interrupt

~Not turn the conversation toward yourself

~Listen with the intent of understanding what the other person is saying

~Ask appropriate questions at the appropriate time (appropriate questions seek to clarify, probe for further detail, or promote further conversation)

~Quiet your own internal dialogue (shut down the voice within yourself)

~Eliminate distractions

~Focus your attention on verbal and non-verbal cues coming from the other person.

Now, back to the original question. When was the last time you fully tuned into what another person was saying to you?

Here is a little homework (it won’t hurt, I promise). Arrange for a time to talk with a significant other (friend, lover, spouse, parent, family member). Find a place where you can talk without distractions. Tell yourself that you are going to listen to your significant other, and begin.

Make a concerted effort to focus on the flow of their speech and body language. Practice active listening. Refrain from interrupting. Ask appropriate questions. Keep the conversation focused on them. Practice, practice, practice.

Internally, notice what effect your active listening had on the other person. What did your active listing achieve? What effect did it have on you? Was it easy or difficult? Did you discover some interesting things about your significant other?

Living large means being alive in the moment, capturing all of the good from the day, hour, minute. It means sucking the marrow out of life. Active listening is one tool to achieve that goal. Happy listening!

Live Large!

Photo by: Gaetan Lee

Who would you rather be around: Big Bird or Oscar the Grouch?

Okay, I’ve shown my age by utilizing a Sesame Street analogy, but it’s true.

I would imagine that most of you would choose Big Bird.

Why, exactly?

• Big Bird is always cheerful.
• Big Bird makes everyone feel good about themselves.
• Big Bird makes people smile.
• Big Bird is simply pleasant to be around. No complaints, no arguments, no frowns.

Oscar is very different on the other hand.

• Oscar only sees the negative.
• Oscar speaks very gruffly.
• Oscar criticizes people.
• Oscar puts people into bad moods (aside from Big Bird)

Which are you more like, Oscar or Big Bird?

I used to work with a woman who smiled constantly. She always complimented people on what they were wearing, how nice they looked, etc. She had an infectious positive attitude that left the office feeling light as air when she came through.

I’ve also worked with a couple of employees who loved to complain and gossip. Whenever they entered my office, I knew the next thing out of their mouths was going to be a complaint. When they were done complaining (usually about a co-worker), they would then be terribly sarcastic toward other people, cutting on their appearance or other personal attributes.

Things got so bad that the way people interacted with them was dramatically changed. People didn’t trust them anymore. They were isolated to themselves. When I needed to get work done, I turned to the cheerful employee in my office because I knew she’d take on the work and smile while she did it.

The employees who were negative all of the time began to lose their opportunities. Promotion was questionable. Their negativity led to negative consequences for themselves, which only perpetuated their negativity. It was a downward spiraling cycle leading to self-defeat.

Did the woman with a smile ever face frustration? Sure! Did she ever run out of energy? Sure! Did we ever see it? No. Not once, but it had to happen. She made the choice, however, to look toward something positive, to bring cheer and joy into others’ lives. In return, she saw smiles on the faces of her coworkers. That had to help the stress and frustrations that she faced.

I wish I had one tenth of her energy and positive outlook, but, as I tell my children, if you have a wish in one hand and a quarter in the other, you won’t be able to buy a soda pop (i.e. wishes, by themselves, have no value).

To make the change from being Oscar to being Big Bird takes conscious effort. It takes censoring your thoughts and words and actions. It takes finding reserves of energy when you don’t believe that you have any energy left to give. It takes focus.

Here are some suggestions:

~Post reminders to remain happy in your office or workspace.

~Make it a point to say good morning or hello to everyone you know when you first see them…and smile.

~If you think something nice about a person, tell them.

~Conversely, if you think something negative about a person, keep it to yourself. Better yet, change the negative into a positive assumption.

~Practice making positive assumptions. If someone disappoints you, realize that they did the best that they could. If it wasn’t quite good enough, how can you help them do better? Look for the betterment of all the people around you. Positive assumptions make a world of difference.

~Don’t engage in gossip. If you hear someone gossiping and you have the courage to do so, confront them. If you don’t have the courage, walk away. If you can’t walk away, turn your mind to something more productive or try to steer the conversation to something more positive.

~Did I say smile?

~Smile, smile, smile. (This is particularly hard for me. My natural state of expression is neutral—or some think somber. I’m not upset, but it takes a conscious effort to smile unless I’ve heard something funny. I have to work at it, as some of you will have to work at it.)

~When asked to help, say sure! Don’t get roped into a dozen commitments that mean little to you, but if it is simple and easy and will help the other person’s life somehow, take the time to give the gift of your effort.

~Make a game of seeing how many positive strokes you can give to people you meet along the course of your day. Challenge yourself to add one to that number each day. How high can you go?

Part of living large is finding the joy in everyday life and bringing joy into others’ lives. A positive attitude goes a long way in making that a reality.

Good luck, and Live Large!

Photo by: CxOxS

Whether you are an extrovert, like my wife, or an introvert, like me, all humans share one fundamental truth: we are social animals.

While the number of intimate friendships or relationships may vary by person, everyone has a core of essential relationships. These are the people who will remain a key part of a person’s life for a very long—sometimes life-long—time. Parents, siblings, love-partners, children, and (on occasion) BFF’s—best friends forever—make up the core of essential relationships for every person.

Part of Living Large is understanding the role that essential relationships have in promoting a healthy, happy life.

Think of the psychological/emotional harm done when you lose a loved one through death or disagreement. The pain and feeling of loss can be devastating.

Or, if an essential relationship is withering on the vine because of a lack of care and tending, a void will open in your life where that person once held a place.

Essential relationships let us know that we are important, that we have a place and a purpose in life. Our essential relationships pull us from self-absorption to participation in a web of life and community beyond ourselves.

Our essential relationships provide a catalyst for us to be self-less and empathetic, which, in the end, allows for feelings of worth, as we feel wanted and needed.

But remember, essential relationships take work.

The life’s blood of essential relationships is the mutual effort of all parts.

So, how are you doing with your essential relationships?

~Are you spending time with each of the important people in your life?

~Do you work to create new memories and to live in the present?

~Are you giving as much as you’re taking?

~Do your special people know that they’re special? When was the last time that you told them?

~Do you thank them (and your lucky stars) for their presence in your life? No one likes being taken for granted. Gratitude goes a long way!

~Do you remember to enjoy your time with them? These are the people who make you happy. Let the happiness into your life. Realize just how much pleasure they can bring you

~Have you invested in reconnecting lately? Do an inventory of the last time you’ve connected with your significant others. If some have gone lacking, reach out. Take your special person to dinner or give that person a call.

It is important to know who these special folks are. Don’t be tempted to spread yourself too thin. These are the people you can’t imagine losing, so understand their special place in your life. When you’ve found them, never let them go.

Live Large!

Photo by: basykes